Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
