Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
