I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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