I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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