I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize