you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize