It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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