My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
