too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
