So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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