I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
