There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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