I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
