I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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