During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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