Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize