I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
True strength comes from lack of pants
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
