You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
