And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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