I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
