I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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