soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
