i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize