This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
