I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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