i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
