girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
