Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
