Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
