When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
