i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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