You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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