the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
