Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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