What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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