I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
