Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
