Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
