If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
