My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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