Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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