I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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