youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
