So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
