i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
two words: eviction party
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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