just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
