I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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