Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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