omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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