i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
porn star boner night. come get it.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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