I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
