Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
