She said her name was "party"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
