my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
