Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
