Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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