I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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