She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize