There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
