I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
