you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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